Every Day is New Day

grow

I know that the title for this post, the first in a long time (but I will try to do better), is a little trite. Begs the reader for a “duh”. But it’s something that I’m clinging to, that I need for myself right now. Every day is new and I can do whatever I want with it.

I’m trying something new. I’m going to try and be me. I’m going to try and figure out who that is apart from someone else, that is, who I really am, not my reflection is someone else’s eyes, or who I think they want me to be. I’ve been bad at guessing anyway. I’m almost 30. It’s about damn time.

Kind of a scary thing, to be honest. But I have some grade-A cheerleaders, people on my team. Mommy, first of all, who has not once gotten frustrated with my unintelligible sobbing over the phone. Tess, who has been my friend for 17 years and I just now feel like we’re getting to the best place in our friendship. Jacquie, a newer friend, but someone who, as soon as I met her, I knew I wanted to have in my life and to be in hers. She’s bought me flowers a couple days ago because “they’ll be pretty and happy and when you look at them maybe it will make you happy, too”. I am so incredibly thankful for these women

I’m starting to work intentionally on becoming a positive person. I’ve realized I am not. So very not. And in the past, when I’ve tried to be, I find that almost immediately, I am failing. But that’s not an excuse. It’s a challenge to meditate on and input positive things and to express positivity. Ry told me that was his focus for himself and for us when we first started and it got lost along the way, somehow. That probably explains a lot about why things soured and why he had to go away. I lost the focus on positive input and output and he got sucked down with me, and lost himself, too. I could not be more sorry about that. It was such a good intention. I’m resetting it but for myself this time, to do it alone to be… I don’t know… “whole” is the word maybe?

Talking to my mother, who has undergone a breathtaking series of emotional struggles throughout her life, I realize I have some pretty serious things to deal with. One being that I don’t think I really like myself. Part of that comes from not really knowing who I am and what I feel about things. There are things I can do to get there and I will explore as many good routes as I can find but I do know that one of them, for me, is writing. There’s a great article on narrative by a woman named Julie Beck, who says that “storytelling, then- fictional or nonfictional… is a way of making sense of the world around us”. And Neil Gaiman, who I’ve been reading A LOT of, says that writers don’t write to explain things to others, they write to figure out how they feel about things themselves. All that to say, my set intention is to write more.

I also took all the booze in my house to the restaurant for staff drinks. I think drinking alone is not a good idea for me right now. If it ever is. I’m also staying away from TV for a while. Definitely going to finish my West Wing binge watch at some point, and maybe invite some girl over to watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s with me, but none of that too soon. In the last few years, I stopped reading. I mean, I still read, but just not all the time like I used to. I think it’s made me suffer as a person and definitely as a writer. No good. Time to sharpen up.

When we first got together, Ry asked me if I wanted to grow. I said yes, and I meant it, but I don’t think I really understood the question. I framed it only in the context of he and I. While, obviously, that didn’t go so great, I think it also wasn’t the point. The point was for me to grow. Maybe I did, a little. I got back into my writing and that was huge and I’m so grateful for his encouragement towards that (along with everyone else’s- thank you, seriously). But I didn’t really undertake any strenuous growth. A few sprouts popped up in the soil but no new buds,  no new vines, nothing with real roots, I don’t think. Nothing unfurled or enriched with color. I want that so much. So, I’m going to start now.

H

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Every Day is New Day

Oh, Hello!

Soooo…. it’s been a while….. how are youuu?

I can’t sleep so I decided to troll my old blog posts from 8 years ago and found this. And because I can’t sleep, here it is:

10 bands/artists you’ve been listening to lately
1) Brenton Wood
2) Fleetwood Mac
3) Oscar Peterson
4) Led Zeppelin
5) Sugar Ray (Shut up, I know)
6) The Police
7) The Replacements
8) MF Doom
9) Cat Power
10) Etta James

9 things you look forward to
1) Getting the hang of bartending
2) Summer
3) Vacation
4) Finishing the re-re-re-edit of my first novel
5) Starting my third novel
6) Ryan
7) My Dansko’s coming in the mail
8) Pay day
9) Seeing Ma

8 things you like to wear
1) Bowie t-shirt
2) Ryan’s Fawkyumean shirt
3) new jean jacket
4) Ry’s hockey sweatpants
5) “I Ain’t Sorry” gold necklace from Brightside
6) Apple Watch
7) white zennioptical classes
8) gold ring from Madewell I never take off

7 things that annoy you (most of these are the same from when I was 20)
1) when someone talks over a show
2) writers block
3) decaf
4) weak coffee
5) nickelback
6) ingrown hairs
7) almost everything Trump says or does

6 things you say most everyday
1) hullo
2) duh
3) yes
4) nah
5) heard
6) nice

5 things you do everyday
1) kiss
2) play very loud music
3) drink coffee
4) sigh
5) dance

4 people you want to spend more time with
1) mum
2) tess
3) meredith w-h
4) tarrah

3 movies you could watch over and over again
1) armageddon
2) mr. right
3) gladiator

2 of your favorite songs at the moment
1) “so it goes”, nick lowe
2) “swingin’ party”, the replacements

1 person you would spend the rest of your life with
1) bill murray, obvi.

Oh, Hello!

Better Git It In Your Soul

You guys ever heard that song? Mingus. From Mingus Ah Um, which if you haven’t listened to, you should. I think I was 19 when I heard it for the first time.  I remember that song specifically because of the breakdowns, with clapping. Plus, Mingus! Anyway…

I need a hair cut… a better one. And a new color. Thoughts?

Charles Village is full of ignorant children again. Basic loudness and lack of situational awareness is the issue. Ah well…

But life is good. 

H

Better Git It In Your Soul

Some Thoughts

I finally bought a Bluetooth keyboard stand for my iPad mini. It’s pretty cute, but my nails make it a little tricky to type my normal speed. It will take some getting used to, but now I don’t necessarily have to use my laptop if I want to blog or work. Yay, productivity tools. 

Ryan and I went to the Sagamore Spirit opening party on Wednesday. Whiskey definitely needs to be mixed wth something but the drinks were good, the food was good and we had a couple friends there, so an overall good time.  

  

Preakness was yesterday, so that madness is done. Still another week or so of graduation shenanigans to get through. We’ll be fine. 

I wish the effing weather would turn already. I’m starting not to handle the gray and rain well. My car has a leak in one of the tires and it was kind of flat yesterday and it threw me into the darkest mood before I realized that it’s not that serious and I can either call the dealership or just go to Sears and get a new one if I have to. I hate dealing with car stuff but the lack of sun in my life is starting to give me anxiety. Blech.

Anyway, here’s some songs I’ve been on lately (Mom, you will probably not like any of these. Love you.)

  • “Don’t Hurt Yourself” by Beyoncé- Lemonade is everything I hoped it would be. I DO NOT care whether or not Jay  stepped out on the queen, because regardless of what actually happened, this whole project is a masterpiece.  “Sorry” gets honorable mention but not a feature. because that song came on the Q four times yesterday an it’s going to be overplayed in about two minutes.
  • “Misery” by Gwen Stefani- I guess she’s always been kind of hung up on a dude but this whole album goes to 11. However, the beat on this song and her pipes got it a place on my rotation.
  • “Controlla” by Drake – Ok, yes, Views is pretty basic. I was hoping for, I dunno, something with a little more oomph. But he put out a bunch of good singles recently and “Work” was a good collab, so whatever. This song makes the list for multiple reasons but I think the highlight is “Jodeci ‘Cry for You'” (Which I am obviously now listening to and omg, I forgot how good/bad it is.)
  • “Why Can’t I Touch It?” By The Buzzcocks- I remember being like 14 and hearing The Buzzcocks for the first time. Totally blew my mind, his whiney high tones. But the guitars are so rich and the instrumental jam  at the end of this song is just yas.
  • “Lost” by Frank Ocean- I know this is old AF but it showed up on a Spotify Discover Weekly playlist a couple weeks ago and it’s been sticking with me. “Got on my buttercream silk shirt / and it’s Versace…” I love the sort of self-chastising swag in this song. Your materialism gets you nowhere, etc. 
  • “Had Ten Dollars” by Cherry Glazer- early 2010s girl grunge. No idea what happened with her, since this song is the most recent thing Spotfy  had and it’s from 2014 but it crushes. 
  • “Something Stupid” by DeVotchKa-  I think theirs is my favorite cover of this classic. Pretty, a little sarcastic, timeless situational sentiment. 
  • “So It Goes” by Nick Lowe- So many artists bands have bit this steez. I hear it in so much modern music. His voice is classic, though. 

Alright, that’ll do it for now. You can hear all these on my “discovered” playlist on Spotify.

H

Some Thoughts

Trying to be Spring

ey yo

The weather keeps trying to be spring and failing. It’s a bit draining, really. Yesterday was gorgeous but with work, I was inside all day. Still, getting to see sunshine through the big front window as heartening. Today is more rain but at least it’s not miserably cold.

The cat is being obnoxious and trying to lay half way on my lap, half way on the keyboard while I type this. Every single time I sit down, he wants to be on my lap. This can’t be comfortable. Cats.. am I right?

So I bought a car two weeks ago. It’s an Audi A3 1.8T. I’m calling her Ripley (quiet but powerful and sexy in a badass way). It’s the nicest, most expensive thing I’ve ever bought. As a result, I’ve virtually stopped shopping. Which is good, I think. I finally got my ColourPop order with the Matte X Lippies in it and that’ll hold me over for for a while. Although I’ve been jonesing for the Becca Luminous Afterglow Palatte and the ABH Contour Kit and this Ted Baker London bag. I’ll wait. My birthday’s not that far. And there’s other stuff going on besides shopping.

  1. Greg lost his younger brother. Greg and I have known each other since second semester of Freshman year. He’s been my best friend since Sophomore year. If I could pick a person to be my actual brother, it would be Greg. He lost his dad a couple years ago. And now this. I can’t even imagine. But Greggy, if you’re reading this, I love you so much, man, and we’re all here for you. Carlos group texted, so, you know, the support is real if you need us.
  2. Shred got shot. He’s going to be ok. He’s so tough and good. His tibia shattered, so they gave him a gnarly titanium bar. Six weeks to walking, five months to skate. Go show him some love if you can. He likes Otterbeins, cool gem stones, good vibes and sour gummy bears. I’m working on getting him a couple TechDecks.
  3. Pa’s been gone a year now. Mother’s Day and Gram’s birthday were still good. We got to be together as a family and love on her and each other. I’m proud of my family. I miss him, though. Especially his goofy laugh. “Hi, hon!” The Donald Duck voice.
  4. Donald. Effing. Trump. Just…
  5. Now something up: Chad is opening La Food Marketa. I’m so excited for this next big venture. He’s (because he’s insane) making me Director of Operations, to help him get everything up and running. I am so stoked for this. It’s going to mean a lot of running around, buying things, talking to people… all things I love. And working with Chad and his team has always been a good challenge for me. We’re shooting for late August/early September opening. Stay tuned.

Upcoming posts:

  • Make up- ColourPop and beyond, swatches of the new stuff, my favorites.
  • Marketa – when I can get out there and take pictures and talk more about the style of cuisine and some cool things we’re doing.
  • What’s in my bag- I’ll probably do this one next, TBH.
  • Snippet of the novella I’ve been working on.
  • Music- my recent finds highlights playlist.

Laters.

H. 

Trying to be Spring

Spring 2016

Ok, yes, I’ve been bad. Bad to all the blog promises I’ve made of keeping this thing updated.

I’ll make it up to you guys, I promise.;-)

I know it’s not a great excuse but one of the reasons I’ve been so terrible with my updates is that I HATE my laptop. You really can’t go from a MacBook Air to a clunky, two seasons ago touch screen HP. It tries, but it’s just not the same. But enough complaining.

It’s finally nice out. Still chilly, dammit, but the sun is restorative. I’m sitting on the covered deck with my coffee, soon to get ready for work, and Sunday doesn’t seem so bad. Sunday actually being Wednesday for me. Mondays and Tuesdays are busy on the business end (liquor orders, meetings with reps) but low key on the dinner service side so they’re a decent lead in to my days off.

Chad is opening a new restaurant. I’m going to be working with him to get it all set up– accounts, purchasing, in-house procedures, etc– and I’m jazzed. Obviously, going to Hopkins for writing, I never thought I’d develop a career in restaurant management but the last year or so, I’ve been digging it and hope it pans out for a future. I like meeting people, the variety of the work, making connections, and of course, the food. La Food Marketa (I know… just… it’s fine) is going to be incredible. Coming to Quarry Lake, we hope, in September. It’s going to be a busy summer and that’s alright with me.

What I’m reading:

  • Not the news. For a couple of months I woke up every morning and I read my heavily curated news feed. But then I started to develop a serious rage about everything and I realized that it was all just variations on a theme and I should stop being pissed about it and just try to fix what I could around me.
  • The Martian by Andy Weir (still). It’s so good and I love it but I find that I lose focus trying to read a physical book, lately. I can’t really read it at work, so I just focus on this I can read on my Kindle app on my phone.
  • Warriors of the Storm by Bernard Cornwell. I finished this last week. It’s the latest in the series of Saxon Tales that I started reading years ago. People bitched about this one but I liked it. Uhtred gets to be badass and SPOILER Brida finally dies. What’s not to love?
  • Sea of Poppies by Amitav Ghosh. It’s a historical fiction about the development of the heroin trade. It’s gorgeous and long as hell. Currently what I’m working on via Kindle during my end of night dinner at the Market.

Game of Thrones is finally back tonight. We’ve all been taking bets on when Jon Snow (who is clearly not dead) will show up. I’m saying last episode before the break in some super infuriating way that will bum everyone out.Feel free to email me with guesses.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt season 2 is also out, which I think Ryan and I will watch after we finish How I Met Your Mother. I think we have like 6 episodes left.

Still can’t talk about The Walking Dead season finale. Too angry.

I think I’m going to start doing haul videos. I’ve been trying a lot of new products and finding new things that I’m jazzed about. A girl I work with told me to make a video and talk about them and put it on youtube or a blog. So… maybe. With all that down time I have.

I’ll leave you with 10 songs I’m deeply digging at the moment

  1. “Siri, Open Tinder” by Childbirth. “Shirtless/ Swipe Left. Gym rat/ Swipe left. Dreadlocks / Swipe left. Spaghetti straps/ Swipe left/ Siri/ Open Tinder!”
  2. “Work” by Rihanna. I had to calmly ‘splain to a girl that she is in fact speaking patois, not gibberish. The beat, Drake, it’s just good.
  3. “Disparate Youth” by Santigold. I don’t know why I was so late to the Santigold game. I saw her perform “Can’t Get Enough of Myself” on Fallon and was like, “man, she is great.”
  4. “Yoga” by Janelle Monae. It’s on my gym playlist (so are all of these so far, actually). And it just makes me laugh. She’s massively smart, obviously, but doesn’t take herself too seriously.
  5. “10,000 Emerald Pools” by Borns. It’s just so beautiful. His voice…
  6. “Whare Are U Now” by Skrillex ft. the Biebs & Diplo. Just… Ok? Come on. When the distort his voice on the second “Where are u now?”, it kills me.
  7. “Fashionable People” by Joel Plaskett Emergency. Reminds me of so many people, just life in Baltimore.
  8. “Rosalita (Come Out Tonight)” by Bruce Springsteen. He just played here and I didn’t get to go and I’m so worried I’ll never see him concert. Oh, the Boss.
  9. “The Creator” by Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth. It was on my Discover Weekly from Spotify a couple weeks ago. I totally forgot about Pete Rock (I know), and I’ve bee listening to it like every other day since then. The sample, tho!
  10. (Obviously)- “Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince. RIP to one of the greats of music. While it didn’t hit me like Bowie did, it still took the wind out of my sales. Prince was one of the people who shaped my understanding of music and the wide range capable in one artist. I’ll miss presence but always remember, “Game: Blouses.
  11. Bonus Track: “Whatta Man” by Salt n Peppa- Another gym playlist hit (if you have Spotify, just add me). Since I saw Deadpool, I’ve been mixing them in to most playlists I have, honestly. Old school, sassy betches.

Alright, that’s it. Later.

H

Spring 2016